Moving Out

I haven't truly decided if I'm done with this particular blog yet. I might post random thoughts just to keep it going. However, I've finally followed up on my threat. I have started a new blog. And guess what! Blogger has this nifty feature now so I can control who can see it! So send me your email, and maybe I'll let you in.
Talk to you soon!

I Spy

It appears, dear readers, that I have had an unexpected visitor to this blog, Tharrington Smith LLP, my estranged husband's lawyer. I don't believe I've written anything out-of-the-ordinary, but, just in case, I'm considering starting a new blog. So let's start the voting now!

"Leave it alone Suzy-Q, you've done nothing wrong!"

or

"Wow, it's so lucky you found out when you did, start a new blog, & email me the address!"

Leave your votes in the comment section below, and I shall tally them at the end of the week. If you leave your email (and I recognize the address), I'll be sure to send you my new blog as soon as it's up and running.

Tata for now...

Whirlwind of Activity

So it seems I've neglected my posting for a couple weeks. It always amazes me that so much time can pass so quickly. Let me bring you up to speed...

I had a court date Friday for the domestic violence suit against my estranged husband. We came to an agreement, and the suit was "voluntarily dismissed" which means our lawyers gave the judge papers instead of just waiting for her to dismiss it because I wasn't actually present to request a restraining order.
Long story.

So we're still on the week on/week off schedule until July unless something is resolved before that. Since I'm the only one with a job, joint custody means I pay child support. However, I'm reserving judgement on this situation and letting go of all these worries. Someone else is taking care of this for me now. I must say, what a relaxing feeling to know that God's got this, and I can just take a breath. I haven't had anything to do with God or church for several years, but it only took one person to explain it to me in terms I could understand.

Sundays are hard on me now. When I have to hand over my kids, it just leaves this empty feeling inside. Bobo was clingy all week, holding onto my legs at every step, staying in my lap as I worked on the computer, refusing to go into daycare at church (he sat with me in the sanctuary and played with my hair instead.) And when I put him in his daddy's car, he started to cry. I mean really cry, not whine, cry. It took everything I had not to burst into tears right then and there (I saved that for the ride home.) A friend talked me through it, reassuring me I had made the right decision and assuring me my children would not think this was a bad thing when they get old enough to understand. It hurts now though. When Say-say told his daddy that he had forgotten his car in mine, his daddy pulled over and came to get it. He asked what was wrong with Bobo "he hasn't stopped crying since you put him in the car." I tried to brush it off by saying he was fine, he'd made cookies this morning with Em (his cousin) and Say-say, but that he had been clingy all week. I told G- that Bobo just missed me. G-'s response? "I know the feeling."

But if you ask my mother? In her words, I've "made a 360 turn." (Yes, I know the term is 180, but Mom has her own way of talking : ) which we tend to just let go.) Several people have complimented me on my change in attitude. I'm happier, more in control of my life, nicer to everyone (including the kids which had been a terrible weight on my heart), I'm just an all-around content person now. As I said, I'm reserving judgement on the children situation, but I know it will work out for the best. Then I'll truly be able to start the rest of my life.

What's Next

Have you ever had one of those days/weeks where you just weren't sure where you fit into the scheme of things? Like everything was pointing you somewhere, but all the signs were written in a language you only halfway recognized?
I know this is a product of the rain, the moon, the Sunday switch, but I have an uneasy feeling that continues to come and go.

The Sunday switch for the last 3 visits has taken place in the rain. Every time I watch the kids ride off, this lonesome feeling comes over me. I miss them so much. I try to look for the positive. I'm almost done knitting a scarf. I've watched tv shows that I've ignored for months. I'm able to read for hours at a time. But it doesn't replace those laughs and smiles. I know I'll see them Sunday. I look forward to it.

The rain has been relentless here. My mother's pond is so full, we're just waiting for the goldfish to try and make a break for it. I don't mind the rain, I usually like it, but when it's every single weekend for a month, I need a break. And this past weekend was the worst. Friday and Sunday both were dreary all day, then horrible tornado-infested storms broke out everywhere. People who know me know tornadoes terrify me. It's not the thunder or the lightning; I'm not a child after all. It's the destructive wind that makes me hunker down next to the computer and check the radar every three minutes. ("Is it breaking up yet? Is that line hooking? Has the tornado watch lifted?") I've only seen a tornado once, a long distance off, but back then I didn't know at what I was looking. I didn't realize the power behind them until I moved to Raleigh and had my first tornado warning (unfortunately not the last). That one took off a steeple one town down.

Enough of the dreariness. Let me share with you a website listed on one of my favorite blogs. It helped break up the scariness and brought me back to light. May you be blessed.

PS: As I was filling in the links, I realized that I've been working on a rainy day scarf for quite a few weeks. I suppose I should hurry up and finish it. Maybe this weekend will actually end up sunny as a result!

Child-free Nights

So the children are back in Raleigh after a week spent with their mummy. I dropped them off with their papa yesterday at lunchtime after a miserable drive in the pouring rain.

I missed them as soon as I got back into the car.

It's amazing to me how I can crave me-time for so many years, and now that I've got it, I don't know what to do with it. I went to sleep last night and woke up this morning with an emptiness I can't remember having before, not in regards to the children. I wanted to see their sweet cherubic faces first thing in the morning (they don't get into full monster mode for at least fifteen minutes.) I wanted to get their milk cups ready (Say-say's is vanilla or "ice cream", Bobo usually takes strawberry.) Up until these last months, I hadn't been away from the children for more than 24 hours. It's incredibly unusual to have such time on my hands to do with as I wish be it blog, read, knit, watch movies, play solitaire, whatever. Here I sit, at a loss for words, trying to catch up my blogging and waiting until bedtime when I'll get a couple minutes to hear them say "night-night".
Xmas went well. I've never had so much fun watching kids open presents. Bobo "wowed" everything, and Say-say immediately wanted to dig into the Hot Wheels toys. I got some very nice presents including one I only halfway expected (I knew it was a "two" present, but I was very surprised and incredibly pleased to see what "two" it was :O.)
And Suzy-Q has a job! I can work at home when I have the kids and at the office other times. It's too complicated to get into, but it's an exciting opportunity, wish me luck! I'm so happy to have some money coming in, I can't stand being unemployed.
Well, boys and girls, I think I'm going to spend some of my free time left finishing up a scarf I've been working on for a couple weeks now. Ta-ta for now.

Naptime and Christmas

I think I've found the secret to making children lie down and take naps.
They just can't be your own children.
My own two are playing on the couch as I alternately try to entice ("there's a big playset outside waiting on you when you wake up!") and threaten ("you guys ready for a spanking?") while my niece who is a notoriously difficult napper lies asleep in her bed having only needed a movie playing and one line of encouragement ("Go lie down, it's naptime.") They need the nap. I need the naptime.
As for Christmas (excellent segue, yes?), I am celebrating Christmas for the first time in six years. When I first met my now-separated husband, I still did the present thing. I enjoyed shopping for the presents, wrapping the presents, giving the presents, everything. Somewhere in the first two or three years, "we" decided to stop celebrating Christmas. One of us, however, made up the rule that if anyone gave us presents, we'd accept them. (I always thought that was a horribly tacky rule, but there you go.) Then we had kids. The rule stayed the same. Everyone I worked with thought I was a terrible mommy for making the children miss Christmas. I always very politely explained that they still had Christmas at their grandparents' houses. When one employee asked me what I would say when the kids came home from school asking why their friends celebrated Christmas, I asked her if she thought it was right for me to encourage peer pressure.
Then came November. Positions I had held on several issues for years suddenly seemed to make very little sense. (Not all of them, there are still a select few I refuse to budge on :}) When the subject of Christmas begin creeping up in conversation, I realized I would need to rethink my whole stance. Knowing that there would be a tree where I would be living and knowing that presents would be given out regardless of what I did or didn't do, I made the leap from non-celebrator to celebrator as only I can. Full speed ahead. I even picked up Santa along the way, albeit reluctantly at first. When I was a kid, I remember being heartbroken that there was no such thing as Santa and thinking how I would never lie to my kids that way (it's not funny, I was heartbroken!) Then someone reminded me that I could use Santa as a threat. Let's see if that works ("Santa's watching, you better be good and take a nap!") Wow, it worked. I keep forgetting I can do that!
Anyway, so I realized what I've been missing for so many years. I remembered the jolly atmosphere in the stores with carols, stuffed reindeer, holly (okay, so my sister is having miserable shopper woes where she works, but the lights are still pretty!) I remembered the pleasure of picking out just the right present (it really is the thought that counts after all.) I remembered the fun I always had wrapping (yes, I do this for the boys on their birthdays, but you're missing the point!) I'm so excited this season. I'm almost done, just six more presents to go, and I should be set.
I'm off to try and get these children to lie down and go to sleep. Bobo has fallen asleep in my arms. Just one more to go.

Such a long month

It occurred to me yesterday, dear readers, that I have been neglecting my blogging responsibilities. However will I keep you all up to date on my incredibly fascinating life? I am back today to try and beg for your forgiveness and rectify the situation as only I can. Please be warned, however, some of the following must be intentionally vague for reasons that will become all the more apparent as we speak.

When last I posted, life was taking an unusual turn. I wish, I wish, I really wish I could go into detail here; I'd so love to explain what has taken place but to do so might hurt my chances in other situations so please accept this instead. My life suddenly became color after a long black and white dream.

On Halloween day, I told my husband of six years that I was leaving him and moving to my mother's. The next day, I gave a one month's notice to my employer. November was the longest month of my life. (Even longer than the last month of pregnancy when you're sure around every bend is a contraction just waiting to hurry that child into the world. Anyway...) My husband was terribly unhappy with what was going down and used the majority of the month to either be exceptionally sweet or exceptionally bitter. I suffered through it all. The night before I was to leave, we got into an argument. He grabbed my arm, the cops were called, a messy night was had by all. The bruise took over a week to fade. After having a restraining order filed against him, I took the kids from the house and stayed in a "extended stay" hotel for a week (the judge having decreed the children couldn't leave Wake County until the hearing on the 12th.) G- was allowed visitation at the end of the week, and court today went smoothly. We're working on a week on/week off basis for the time being.

Now my life is getting back on track. I'm finally able to unpack my mess of a bedroom here at my mother's, I'm beginning the job hunt, and my next step after updating here is to start browsing the internet for churches in Mooresville. Ah yes, my friends, I have had an epiphany. It came to me in part as I was attending my mother's non-denominational church. I say in part because another conversation with an excellent influence truly started me on the path. I must say, I haven't felt this relaxed in years. What a beautiful feeling to let go and realize you don't always have to be in control. Life is going the right direction, and I'm going to let it.

Unfortunately, my left hand has decided to freeze up on me; having been somewhat lazy for the past month, it's not up to snuff. Ta-ta for now. I hope to chat more soon.